Hot enough for you, folks? It must be 1000 degrees out there.
Yep, it's summertime, and the winos are sizzling.
Fish are hopping, and the DJ is high. I hope you're all as cool as I am.
I wonder what the poor people are doing today.
Just buy us an air conditioner.
You don't want to be stuck inside today.
Come on, dive in.
Be careful. It hasn't been an hour since you've eaten.
Don't worry. Sometimes you just gotta go for it.
Daddy, I'm sweating cats and dogs. This pool sucks.
If you two are bored, let's have a little Jacuzzi action.
Hey, Peg, a little Tang margarita, s'il vous plait.
Coming right up.
You forgot the Tang.
Look, AI, as much as I applaud you exposing yourself to water...
...don't you think it's time we bought an air conditioner?
Can't a 100-degree day go by...
...without you bringing up air conditioning?
As soon as we get one, they'll invent something new.
I'll be damned if I get one!
That's the same thing you said about the toothbrush.
Look, Dad, I know I'm no psychology major...
...but could the reason for your reluctance be...
...that you're the cheapest man on the planet?
Bud, if I was cheap would we have all this?
Now, I'll hear no more about this. Kelly, let's play "sea monster."
A sea monster!
Daddy...!
Mom, Dad scared me.
He scares us all, honey.
Al...
AI, I'm going to ask you one more time, rationally.
- Can we have an air conditioner? -As long as I have my pool to frolic in...
...we don't need an air conditioner.
As I was saying...
All right, kids. It's time.
Hey!
My pool! My pool, Peg!
- Nice shooting, Mom. -Not really.
I was aiming at Daddy.
Mom, can we throw a couple more on?
Well, this is the last of them.
There were four cubes the last time we checked.
No! There were three.
She's cube-hogging!
I'll hold her. You get the tongs of life.
It's Daddy!
It's our air conditioner. Oh, God.
At long last, we're all gonna be cool.
Even you, Bud, for the very first time.
Yeah, well, it's a long time since you had a first time for anything.
Don't get too cocky. Remember, Dad went himself.
It's just an air conditioner. A moron could get an air conditioner.
I could get an air conditioner.
Kids, come and help me here.
I can't see. I can't see.
- Have you got it? -Yeah, Dad.
All right. Good.
All right. Easy there.
It's heavy, easy. Here we go.
Kids, you okay?
Fine.
Yes, family, look at it. It's a Kaiser.
The pride of World War II Germany.
Look at it, kids. Doesn't it just say "cool"?
Actually, it says, "Property of Erwin Rommel."
I thought you were going for one of those Korean ones.
You know, with names like the real ones.
Like our Frigidoor refrigerator, R-C-Hey TV...
Or my beauti-fool wife.
Kids, what you're looking at...
...is the world-famous Kaiser Air Cooling Blatz.
The Jerries swore by these, but more importantly...
...they were at the forefront of 1942 technology.
Now this baby's ours, Peg.
This is the best damn 17 bucks I ever spent.
- God, I must have loved you once. -You don't know what love is...
...till you've been kissed by the cool lips of a Kaiser.
Bud, help me bring in the main part.
Then we'll be as cool as I remember myself in high school.
Gee, Mom. Thanks for the precious gift of life.
Bud, you got it all spliced in?
Yeah, Dad! Right into the city's transformer.
- Dad, is this legal? -No, so don't use any names.
Bud, come down now. Kelly, keep the flashlight on till he--
Dad!
He's down, Daddy!
No names!
Peg, wanna go upstairs and get some blankets and sweaters?
Turn it on, Mongo.
Nice fall, Bud.
Now, we are ready.
Peg, would you do the honors, please?
Easy, Peg. You're not having sex with it.
We'll know for sure if it quits after 10 seconds and asks, "What's on TV?"
You know, this could be you. I don't feel a thing.
Just keep cranking.
There. Listen to that.
The satisfying hum of fine German engineering.
Is it just me or is it getting warmer in here?
That's because I've got it on der low.
Let's turn this up.
I'll turn this up to blitzkrieg.
There. What do you feel now?
- Anger. -Despair.
All right. All right.
I'll just ease this baby up to der freezing my heinie off.
There. That ought to shut you up.
It's gonna blow!
Good news, Dad. It's not just our house.
The whole neighborhood's gone dark.
- They don't know it's our fault. -Bundy did this!
Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
God, where'd they get the torches and pitchforks so fast?
Shut up! Put your weight against the door! They're coming in!
Well, desert fox...
Well, desert fox, where will you lead us now?
You fools.
You think I only had one plan to keep us cool?
No. Trust me. Air conditioning ye want...
...air conditioning ye shall have.
I wonder what the poor people are doing.
Did I promise you the good life?
Honey, if only everyone could be as happy as we are.
Everybody doesn't have me, babe.
That poor woman.
It just shows that there can be...
...unhappiness in even a grand place like--
- What do you call this place again? -Supermarket, babe.
Supermarket. Wow!
A big building with food. What'll they think of next?
Free sample?
Well, thank you, cheese lady.
If you see the lady with the tray of Weenies, tell her we've been waiting.
My hands are greasy from eating. Where's Kelly with my towel?
Here I am, Daddy.
Daddy, what's this?
Looks like some kind of vegetable, honey.
Bud, go deep.
Excuse me, but as the only one who hasn't yet been fingerprinted...
...you think nobody's gonna notice we're living in aisle four?
We're your parents. Let us worry about it.
Now, go over to aisle 12 and get Daddy some slippers.
And while you're at it, get Mom some perfume too.
AI, you remembered my birthday.
Folks, excuse me. What are you doing here?
What does it look like we're doing here? We're shopping.
- You've been here for 4 hours. -We're conscientious shoppers.
Peg, you wanna read me the ingredients on those chips?
"Potatoes."
That's not quite what I'm looking for.
I know the look of a family without an air conditioner.
- I'll have to call the manager. - Wait a second.
All right. You look like a smart young guy. I think maybe I can trust you.
My name's AI Bundy. I'm with the National Supermarket Security Agency.
There's been a rash of food thefts in the area. That's what I'm here for.
Bundy. I carry a whistle.
- Really? -Now, act natural.
See that woman over there? Don't look.
That's Velveeta Annie.
The notorious blue-haired cheese bandit.
I've been on her trail since the Dakotas.
Mrs. Gillis? She's been shopping here for years.
Kid, don't you know that Gillis is the underworld name for cheese booster?
- Are you sure about this? -Don't look at her now.
I think she's making her move.
Let's see... Yeah, I think we got her now.
I think the eagle has landed.
Listen, I don't want to blow my cover, so you take it, kid.
Thank you, Special Agent Bundy.
So how do you like our cheese, Gillis? Hopefully as much as you like our jails.
- Come along, baby. -Bobby, what's come over you?
But I was your kindergarten teacher.
Gee, AI, you think we did the right thing?
So an old lady goes to jail. So who gets hurt?
This is living, isn't it, babe?
Look, isn't that the family of poor people everyone says is living here?
Isn't it pathetic?
Get a job, buddy!
Why, you little...
I have half a mind to move us to aisle six and not tell him.
I'm bored. I'm gonna go boost us a radio. Does anyone want anything?
How about some plants. You know, for ambiance'?
How about you, Daddy?
Miss? Excuse me. I think you dropped something.
Thank you, market dweller.
Daddy?
What?
Do you want anything?
Yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons.
And a plucked chicken.
I thought I smelled shoes.
Well, if it isn't the Vanderbundys in their summer home.
Hi, Marcy. Are you having a party?
No.
Thanks to AI, I and the rest of the block are sweltering to death.
Are they still mad at me?
For blacking out the neighborhood on the hottest day of the year?
Heck, no. In fact, it's brought us all closer together.
When we were burning you in effigy, I ran into people I hadn't seen in years.
We sat around, sang our favorite folk songs like:
"if I Had a Hammer, I'd Drive It Through Al Bundy's Skull."
You know, we feel terrible about this whole mess, don't we?
Miss, I think you dropped your corn.
- Oops, thank you. -Thank you.
Miss, you dropped your flea fogger.
Oops.
- Thank you. -No, thank you.
Miss?
You dropped your broccoli spears.
- Thanks again. -No, thank you.
Bud, here's something men do.
Quick, get me something.
Excuse me, miss.
You dropped your...eggs.
Weren't you the guy rubbing up against me at the bus?
No.
I meant him.
You little...
"Cheese security"?
I saw his credentials. They say he's the best.
I don't know. I got my doubts about this guy.
I know I know that face from somewhere.
- What did you say his name was? -Bundy. AI Bundy.
I'm going to check him out.
Yellow alert! Yellow alert!
So you're the dairy spy?
Why not just announce it to the whole store!
You're on report, buddy.
Kelly, give me a pen.
Blue or red?
Blue.
Fine point or husky?
Never mind, Pumpkin.
Wait a minute. AI Bundy. Of course.
You've been dribbling checks all over town.
- Buy something or get out. -Alrighty.
- Peg, checkbook. -Cash only.
And I still want two forms of ID.
You just lost yourself some business, buster!
Kids, we're moving to the drugstore down the street.
Buy something, or you'll be moving into jail.
Alright)'-
Family meeting.
Kids, you got any money for old Dad?
Eighteen cents.
When I needed batteries, you said you didn't have a dime.
No, we said we didn't give a damn.
Boy, how soon they forget the good times.
Come on, let's see what we can buy. Peg, bring the cart.
How do I work this thing?
The same thing you do with me. You just get behind and shove.
Marce, listen. I've only got a pack of gum.
- Could I get in front of you? -Eat hot death.
The National Enquirer. "Steve Rhoades Marries Cher."
Where? Where?
Congratulations, sir! You're our one millionth customer!
What does that mean?
You've won a free $1000 supermarket shopping spree!
Hey, I was the next in line!
What are you complaining about? You still are.
We won! We won!
TO BE CONTINUED...